I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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