Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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