I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Randomize
