I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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