so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
