my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
