I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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