been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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