If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
