my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
