if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
