I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
