We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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