i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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