Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
