Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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