in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
