Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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