This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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