if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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