she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
