i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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