she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
