i wish starbucks made bloody marys
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
