My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
