We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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