Someone shit on the floor
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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