The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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