So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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