Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
