you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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