You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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