just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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