Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
