he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
