I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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