so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
