If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
