I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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