Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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