My Higher Power is John Stamos
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
you had me at cake vodka
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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