your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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