I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
