Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
