I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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