Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
