I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
