im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
