I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
the day after is always just damage control
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
ttyl tear gas
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
