The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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