At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
