I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
