I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
someone owes me an orgasm
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
