My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
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The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
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I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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