You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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