Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
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Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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