If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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