Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
