I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Just cropdusted the office
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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