can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
