what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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